From Cruisers to cups of tea, and the grief that comes with growing up

It's being stuck in a strange sort of limbo between wanting the rest of your life to begin, and not wanting to say goodbye to your past.

And, even though I tell myself I still look and feel 23 (I almost definitely don't, and my crows feet can attest to that), a part of me knows that yes, I am 28, and it's probably time to start being a grown-up.

But being a grown-up is especially hard for someone who eats an unhealthy amount of McDonald's cheeseburgers and still has a questionable obsession with the 2003 Peter Pan movie (if you know, you know.)

But with that, I know that I most definitely have grown from the person that I was a few years ago.

Now, I wonder where that fun, crazy girl has gone.

I was the girl who used to say yes to everything. If money was involved, or some sort of stupid bet, I was the person they were putting money on.

I was the girl who used to go for a night-out, with absolutely no money and no plans of where to stay or how I would get there, but I would somehow always manage to drink more than I should and end up in a bed to crash in.

Realistically, I'm so glad that I've moved past the phase of wanting to destroy my body with excess alcohol consumption, and instead opt for a Saturday night from the comfort of a hot bath with a good book in hand.

Maybe it's because my friends have grown up too. Nights are no-longer riddled with the question of 'what are you wearing tonight?', followed up with the classic 'jeans and a nice top'.

Instead, the question has changed to 'how are you feeling?', dedicated to my friends who are navigating the life of pregnancy, or juggling the world as new mums.

I still do have those friends who try to convince me to hit the pubs on the weekend, or indulge in a few too many cocktails, and often I am tempted.

But that begs the question. What the hell am I supposed to be doing at 28?

Am I supposed to be thinking about marriage and becoming a mother? Or am I supposed to be embracing my fading youth by letting my hair down on a sticky dance floor while dancing to some sort of TikTok sound?

And also, why is it this hard? It's something that I hadn't considered until now, but there is a certain type of grief attached to growing up.

I've said goodbye to the part of my life where the night would end with deep and meaningful conversations in the corner of a house party, and I don't know when I'll have that again.

I can no longer send a message to my friends and know that within the hour, we'll be meeting up for lunch.

Now, catch-ups are few and far between. And they're usually masked behind some special occasion like a wedding or christening - the only times when we can truly prioritise friendships.

Would I be able to cry on the shoulder of a friend during a tough time in my life in the same way that I did when I was going through a break-up at 22?

Do we ever have the same connections with our friends as the ones we had when we were 18? In the days of pre-drinks and kick-ons, and getting ready with your friends while trying on 27 outfits before settling on the one you actually tried on first?

I guess we don't. And I guess that's what it means to grow up.

The types of connections change. Now, instead of a vodka cruiser, I connect with friends over cups of tea, in the kitchens of homes they have built themselves.

And I really am so lucky for that. I am so lucky to have friends in strong women, who seem to be so successfully finding their direction - and I'm so proud of them.

But, that's the duality of life I suppose. And 28 is still a weird age - I'm still left wondering what the hell I'm supposed to be doing, all while being so happy for the people who seemingly have it all together.

In time - that might be me. And maybe one of these days I'll have my shit together too. Maybe, just maybe, I already do. I just don't know it yet.