For some people Christmas is the most painful time of the year.
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NALAG support counsellor Cathy Banks shares some advice with Faye Wheeler about how to cope with grief, for the Daily Liberal's Christmas Survival Guide series.
Is the festive season one of the hardest times for dealing with loss and grief?
Significant anniversaries especially in that first year after the death of a loved one can be an extremely difficult time.
Christmas and the holiday season may be very challenging as most of the community is coming together in a season of goodwill and cheer.
Shops and houses are decorated, gifts to be bought and exchanged, parties enjoyed, there may be church services, and family meals and rituals are planned for Christmas Day. Many clients say there is no escaping it.
The feelings of yearning, sadness, anger and loneliness can intensify as the realities of their loss and new life become painfully obvious. There can be pressure from friends and family to put aside the feelings of loss, to be happy, joyful, and not spoil the day for everyone else, especially the children.
Many of our clients express the dread that the festive season brings.
Do you see people seeking help at Christmas for not only recent bereavements, but also from years earlier?
In our work at NALAG, we see how new losses and bereavements retrigger and open the scars of past grief.
Rather than 'time heals all wounds' there is a re-engagement again with the pain of past loss and fresh waves of grief and yearning can be experienced anew for their loved ones who have died previously.
This can be confusing for family and friends who had perceived that the mourning was over. This is the nature of loss. Everybody's grief journey is unique and it can be an ongoing process as we learn to move forward without our loved ones but stay connected to them in some way.
What are your tips for coping with grief at Christmas?
Coping with grief in the festive season has much to do with challenging our expectations of the 'perfect' Christmas.
Be gentle with yourself. Make a plan for how to spend the day and be under as little stress as possible. Plan your "escape" if you need it and don't over commit.
Do something special in memory of the person who has died - light a candle to burn during Christmas Day, make a toast, play their favourite music, make a special Christmas ornament for the tree as a symbol of them, ask everyone to write their favourite memory of them and fill a Christmas stocking to share on Christmas night.
Some people like to visit the graveside with flowers. Some bereaved parents buy a small gift for the age their child would be had they lived and put it under a charity tree.
I have had some clients prefer to change tradition completely and volunteer for the day at a homeless shelter preparing the Christmas meal for others. It is important to communicate and ask for help and support as needed - whether family and friends, grief support centres like NALAG, or even crises lines like Lifeline [call] 13 11 14.
How can we best help our family and friends who are grieving?
The best ways to help someone who is grieving is to understand there will be big and small adjustments needed in their lives.
These could bring uncertainty, frustration, fear, sadness and change. Don't be afraid to speak up if your friend needs help.
Allow them the time and space to be where they need to be emotionally. We call this "holding space".
Don't rush them through their tears, or pressure them to "get over it". Be empathetic and compassionate.
Encourage the story telling about the person who has died. The sadness of the death can overtake the joyful memories of their life, so encourage the stories to continue.
Offer practical assistance, such as meals and shopping, take them for a walk, do something special for them - a massage, food treats, nail spa.
Nature has enormous healing properties so take them for a walk, or visit a beautiful place.
The main thing is to :
- Be a good listener
- Be a shoulder to cry on
- Be in touch with them
- Be a friend