8.55pm: Just as we are all about to turn off this show for good Ten shows us what's coming up next week: The Wild Ones. Three blonde babes wearing bikinis and showing off the plastic fantastic. If I didn't know better I would think this was a cynical ratings ploy. Oh wait, I do know better!

8.51pm: The show ends with Mitch staring broodily out at the ocean. His one brain cell desperately needs friends right about now but lacking a sounding board it tells Mitch to text Gabby. Oh dear. Stay tuned next week for more in the Mitch/Gabby saga ... or don't. Is it just me or did The Shire turn from so-bad-it's-funny to so-bad-it's-unwatchable?

8.50pm: Mitch is out having a heart-to-heart with his mum about his love life and this show just gave up on any semblance of reality.

8.45pm: The Trouty Pouts are out "gettin' their groove on". They buy a bottle of champers then grind up against each other on the dance floor. Wow, I really didn't see that one coming.

8.42pm: Kerry is fighting with Matty's mate in the car, he calls her a "sour bitch". Oh no you didn't! He then asks her to set him up with one of her friends - he really needs to work on his sales pitch.

8.40pm: Barbie wants to drop out of uni to focus on pageants (what does that even mean?). Her sugar daddy won't be pleased and could potentially cut her off financially . Her friends troubleshoot for her: "Imagine a life with no car, no credit cards, no tits."

8.34pm: Cut to the basketball court where Matty's friends are bitching about Kerry ("she's like the devil, we are like losing our friend more every day. Every. Day."). These two obviously need a lesson from the Trouty Pouts on the meaning of friendship (actually that would be fantastic). He's wearing a shirt that says "thug" and I can't tell if it's ironic or actually his name. I hope for the former, fear it's really the latter.

8.33pm: A woman tells the Trouty Pouts that she doesn't think their fat cavitation machine actually works (no way!). They respond by saying they shouldn't have exposed so much cleavage - that's rock solid logic right there.

8.32pm: Sophie (that's her name!) and Ness are out drumming up business for their fat melting machine (I really don't understand why clients aren't lining up down the street) and one of them says "I'm like a little dog", the other says "you are not a dog", meanwhile the show's editors can't believe their luck.

8.30pm: Kerry is dating Matty, Matty's best mate doesn't think she's good for him. Oooooooh, another love triangle, goodie!

8.27pm: We meet Kerry the bartender, aw, she seems nice. At the bar where she works some guy is stretched out on the tables wearing only his undies - he's getting waxed, because you know, that's totally normal. Note to future patrons: if your food falls on the table DON'T EAT IT.

8.24pm: Sasha (Pasha? Fuscia?) and her bestie Vernesa grace our screens. One of them had botox last week and proudly shows that she can no longer move her forehead. "There's nothing up here," she says, pointing to her head.

8.21pm: Barbie is buying a car with daddy's money and they aren't agreeing (oh, the dramas). She says their relationship is like Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader. We all suspected family dysfunction last week but we had no idea just how bad it really was.

8.20pm: Mitch is talking about his love life to a friend (Simo?), he doesn't know what to do about Gabby. If I can break into Shire speak for a moment - she's a total glamour bro, think hard dude.

8.18pm: We open at Riffy Raffy's place (well, his mum's place to be correct). It turns out he throws a fully sick party. (Look out Corey Worthington, you've got competition!).

8.10pm: While we're waiting you should catch up on some of our Shire coverage. Paul Sheehan admitted to watching Laguna Beach, Jersey Shore and The O.C. (and it turns out he watches worse TV than I do!); Helen Razer thinks we don't like The Shire because it hits a little too close to home. Thoughts? If you see yourself reflected in these characters I do hope you let me know.

8.05pm: Of course there was no need to run, MasterChef isn’t ending any time soon. Here are some tips for Channel 10 to help them run on time: Whenever Matt tastes a dish with a look of utter disdain (ie, every time) – CUT; whenever Gary flirts with a female contestant over the saltiness of her sauce – CUT; whenever George raises on to his tippy toes to make a point – CUT CUT CUT.

8pm: I just ran down the corridor to my computer, much to the amusement of my colleagues. These are the lengths I am going to for you people!!

7.55pm: The countdown is on, only a few minutes left until episode two of The Shire. I hope you are as excited as I am, it's going to be fully sick.

What you said about last week's episode

Damien: I think what annoys the educated, professional 'chattering classes' is the realisation that being a goody good, studying for exams, sitting up straight and folding your arms, university, career, that pesky student loan, playing the game etc was all a complete waste of time. I can understand the stomach churning horror when they see brain dead bogans leapfrogging them in the race of life in about 45 minutes flat! ha ha!
-I studied to be a political journo now I live blog The Shire

Stephen25: Oops I missed it...damn won't be able to catch up with the story now so will just have to never watch it.
-ROFL

Seeing & believing: I started to watch and thought 'No. This is Crap'. I turned it off and read a book. 50 Shades of Grey. Now there's class.
-Next week I live blog 50 Shades of The Shire, sounds good right ... right??

Chump: I watched the whole thing waiting for the good bit. I really felt like a chump at the end.
-The good bit was the end

Simon from Whyalla: There was more Culture in my Yoghurt than in that show.
-but was there kulcha?

tim.k.diamond: Actually, for me, this is part of required national therapy; holding a mirror up to Australia so we can see what some of our brothers and sisters have become, then the healing can begin.
-Group hug everybody!

Brydob: You're missing the point. We have enough shows that 'tackle the big issues'. I'd rather watch the imperfect people of the Shire than another pointless episode of Q&A. As part of the inner city elite, this puts me back in touch with real suburban Aussies.
-Aww, that's sweet. Or maybe you were being sarcastic, I really can't tell, especially the part about 'real suburban Aussies'...

L Young: Of course we are supposed to laugh and ridicule these people, that's the whole point of it. This kind of TV is made for precisely that reason, taking advantage of the stupid for financial gain (on both sides of the TV screen). It's like Gervais said 'the Victorian peep show never ended, it's now called 'Big Brother' (or insert 'reality' show of choice here'; we wheel out the bewildered to be sniggered at by multi-millionaires'. If you aren't one of the ones laughing, you are one of the ones being sniggered at. Welcome to the 21st century version of survival of the fittest.
-HE GETS IT, HE REALLY GETS IT. Respect.

Yaknowwhatihate: Haha what happened.... No Sutho ice heads or methadone addicts...... no deep dark engadine footyheads..... Remember australia that Rodney Rude started his career in the shire... while you were watching Neighbours we were watching a grown man with a beard running up and down the street with a large foam penis screaming " ya mums bum"......... the place needs counselling not a tv show.
-I have no idea if this is true but god I hope so.

Brilliant, we have been waiting for a show that shows how amazing we really are, cant wait for the world o see how enlightened we really are.
-Have you ever seen Japanese reality shows? We are way down the list of the world's worst perpetrators.

Michael of Oatley: The worst 30 minutes I have ever spent watching television. Never again.
-You're watching right now aren't you Michael. Don't be ashamed, this is a safe space.

Kate: I am a shire girl. I can also laugh at our own stereotypes. The director I don't think really knows what they are though. Yes they kinda got there with the surfy dude and the chicks and the daddys little girl. The two botox girls on the other hand - Bankstown is not part of the shire - Alfords point bridge takes care of that. It really bugged me this error. Same with the 'rapper dude'. He did say in his rap that he was born in the west and moved to the shire and thats what his character was...westie. If you are going to make a show about exaggerated stereotypes...get them right!
-and I thought I was snobby!

Ian: I'm sure the show is rubbish but I can say this; at least the people from the Shire were watching it to see how their area was being portrayed. What's your excuse?
-ZING!

Chrissie: Now I know why some animals eat their young at birth.
-LOL

Bemused: Popular culture reflects the intellect of the young. Forget action on global warming, the evidence from popular culture is the 1st world's population is getting stupider by the day.
-Exhibit A: Benny Hill. I rest my case.

Mary Rose: Newsflash!!! Carol Provan is in fact, a former Bankstown girl!
-This one is true and it has made my day.

Bunny: Last week it was Higgs boson and this week The Shire has proved the existance of a parallel universe - one deviod of any substance or brain matter... This recent scientific tide is almost unstoppable!
-I'm in total awe that you managed to combine Higgs Boson and The Shire (the shire collider?). #hattip

Dave: I live in the Shire. I am a Roosters fan. Please. Shoot me now.
-anyone got any words of advice for Dave? (hang in there bro)

Farmer: Hahahaha. Guess what people. There is a market out there for the show though. Okay, they won't be reading the SMH, primarily as they won't be able to read; but they are out there, sitting on their porch, strumming their banjo's.
-Git off mah porch!

[View the story "The Shire: coming back for more" on Storify]